My Beretta, Let Me Show You It

This morning, 1AM: <BOOM> <CRASH> <BOOM> I shoot up out of bed and immediately think, "quake!" and run to the doorway. After a few seconds it dawns on me, no quake. It certainly sounded to me like a quake. There it is again….the roof. Someone’s on my roof! WTF! The sound goes away. Then I hear someone "WHOOP!"ing rather loudly. I think, whatever. Dumb kids on the roof. I try to go back to bed.

2AM: <BOOM> <BOOM> <BOOM> Someone running across the roof again. What the hell? They’re walking from the fire escape towards the "inside" stairwell. It’s a stair that leads from the roof to the inside hallway of my building. I’m thinking, "Some guy climbed up the fire escape and is trying to break into the building from the other stairwell." It makes sense with this time of year. Due to the hot weather, everyone has their windows open at night. It’s prime time for breaking and entering. Sure enough, I hear someone trying to open the inside stairwell door. Luckily, it’s locked. Guy climbs back up ladder and walks toward the back fire escape (the one right near my rear windows). I’m now thinking, ok whoever it was is going to give up and just leave.

2:30AM: For 10 minutes he did leave. Then he came back and started to "WHOOP!" again. Guy runs around some more. I grab the 12 gauge, drop in 2 BB mini shots, and grab two more. I hear the guy climbing down the rear fire escape again. I hear him messing around on the fire escape right outside my window. That’s it, I’ve had enough. I’m not letting someone break into my place.  I walk to the back room, flip on the lights (mistake actually), and pull up the blinds. I see him climbing down now. I tap Mr. Beretta on the window glass and say, "Get off my roof asshole." He yells, "HEY IT’S MY ROOF TOO! WHAT THE FUCK YOU FAG? HOW DARE YOU PULL A GUN ON ME? YOU GAY!" At this point, I realize that it’s Mr. Asshole neighbor in #8 always sits out on the fire escape and smokes cigarettes. Then two seconds later I hear, "Patrick just get inside." The girlfriend is obviously pissed. I lower the blinds, hit the lights, and try to go back to sleep. However, I can’t go back to sleep because I’m all jacked up on adrenaline. After all, I was totally prepared to shoot someone trying to break into my place.

10AM: I call the property management office and register the complaint. The woman asks, "Do you know who it was or what apartment they live in?" "I know that the guy’s name is Patrick. I think he lives in apartment number —" She cut me off. "8. This isn’t surprising. Well, he’s moving out at the end of the month. I can take down the complaint if you want. You can fax in the complaint and remain anonymous." "Oh I think he knows who I am."

So Mr. Jackass Neighbor was high as a kite on something. I think he was running and jumping between my building and the ones next to ours. I don’t know why he kept going up and down the fire escape and kept trying to get into the inside stairwell. Whatever. Good riddance.

I don’t think he’ll be running around on the roof any more.


About diqster

r to the hizzle
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1 Response to My Beretta, Let Me Show You It

  1. Gary says:

    SF resident shoots intoxicated neighbor, claims he feared nutria were breaking into his apartment.

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